Important steps a woman should follow in order to get (and keep) a man: A satirical twist on the societal views of women.

HEY LADIESSSS!! Are you tired of being #singleforlife? Wondering why guys never stick around past the first week? Don’t worry, I’m here to tell you what you’re doing wrong. Here are some tried and true rules to getting (and KEEPING) a man.

1. YOU`RE WEARING WHAT?! Goodbye sweats—Hello itty-bitty-teenie-weenie short-shorts.

That`s right! One of the oldest tricks in the book, if you wanna get that man, you better show some leg, girl…but not too much, don’t be a slut.

2. Don’t order out again… its time you pick up that skillet, sister!

Now that you’ve got your man, it`s time you learn how to cook! I`m not talking a sandwich here… I mean do it big! if you want to keep your man, it`s Thanksgiving dinner EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT. Because maybe he won’t notice your extra stomach roll if his stomach is always full?

3. You want to WAIT?! No… I think it`s time, we`re in love!

AWW! And you thought you were going to save yourself for one man, the lucky one—how cute! I don’t think so! If you want to keep your guy happy, you need to give him what he wants, girlfriend! However, if it’s not your “first rodeo,” keep it to yourself… he doesn’t want used goods!

4. Netflix, umm… it`s time to hit those weights!

You want to stay in and watch a movie… really, again? Rethink that decision quick! There has to be some aspect of yourself you can work on. See those dumbbells? Pick ‘em up and put ‘em down, because if you’re not as toned and the Women’s U.S. Gymnastics team by tomorrow… there’s another girl who is (just sayin’).

5. PIZZA?! AFTER A WORKOUT?!… but what about that six pack?

Alright, I get it, your sooo hungry, and that workout was sooo worth the slice of pizza you are about to devour. OR NOT! Pizza is calories, and 3,500 calories is a pound, and if you gain a pound, the camera is most likely going to add five more… But suit yourself!

6. “Babe, I love you no matter what! Wait, no makeup tonight?”

Yup… It’s true, a full face of makeup really does it! You need to look on point at all times. Just like Beyoncé, he needs to think you woke up like that EVERY DAY.

7. I love hearing your voice, but… oh no, hold on! Fantasy draft, sorry!

Men like girls who can hang with the boys, but don’t try to talk to guys about sports: you`re a girl, what do you know!? What you CAN do is make sure the boys always have fresh beers and food.

8. It doesn’t matter if you’re tired, stressed, sick, or just not feelin’ it tonight…

Your man DESERVES it whenever he wants. Don’t forget, you’re there for HIM! The only way to keep your man is to give it up whenever he’s in the mood. Come on, it’s like…your only responsibility in this relationship.

See, it’s just that easy! Who cares if it takes over your life, all that REALLY matters is that you don’t end up a crazy cat lady at age 30.

Doesn’t this sound stupid? Why are women still being fed outdated, sexist “advice” like this? Ladies, a man does not define you – you can define yourself any way you want. You have SO much more to offer than any of this superficial nonsense. You do not “owe” your significant other anything – including sex, wearing makeup, or cooking if you don’t want to. A relationship without consent is not relationship at all. Let’s empower ourselves and each other to be our most authentic selves, ‘cause really… that’s pretty darn sexy.

 

Dana

Hi! I`m Dana Van Duerm, a Junior Public Relations major at Illinois State University.  I am currently a PR/Marketing Intern at YWCA McLean County. With graduation in the near future, I dream of working in the beautiful city of Chicago. I love all things fashion, and I am currently obsessing over How to Get Away With Murder.

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